After a bit of a hiatus, I have found myself in the need to get a post up. I have been finding myself in moments in which I have been reflecting quite a bit about my journey over the past five years or so, beginning pre-Peace Corps service in Ethiopia up to this point in my life. I have stumbled, hit rock bottom on a few occasions, have picked myself up, and have changed for the better. I found myself physically changing and also changing within. I discovered a new confidence and strength within myself that I never know that I could possess. As a whole, I am a much happier person and can handle myself in spite of anything this world may through my way. Giving a special shout out to all the ladies out there, it is never too late to start your journey! Wherever you are in life, no matter how you feel about yourself, your job, or anything else, it is never too late to make a change. In my personal journey, I have found myself become a huge advocate for this and for having support for all of my fellow ladies out there who have and/or going through their own journeys.
So here I now find myself in Corvallis, Oregon starting a masters in public health program at Oregon State University. Some days are fantastic and others are draining. This week in particular was draining and my Friday afternoon left me feeling annoyed and frustrated. I found myself questioning my self worth and even found myself being frustrated with people in general. With that being said, I realized that I need to take time to myself and recheck my overall outlook.
I have been reflecting upon all of my insecurities and struggles. Despite all the growth I have been through, there are still some insecurities and struggles that I deal with. In being that advocate for all of the women out there that can resonate with me on some level, I have come to realize the need to share some of my insecurities and struggles. And in doing so, I hope that getting some things off of my chest will allow me to feel a little more free. One of my biggest struggles in life is and has been my singleness. I am almost 28 years old and have never been in a relationship. I think in large part, guys could pick up on the self-consciousness and lack of confidence that I had in myself for a majority of my life.
As I have found my newfound confidence, I have found myself in a place where I have guys flirting with me. In some ways, it actually funny because I am still in the process of figuring out how to handle myself in these situations. It has its fun moments. But within these moments, I still find myself having doubts and insecurities. With the lack of own personal experience when it comes to dating, I have been questioning my self-worth and how it relates to dating. I find myself asking questions like, "Will a guy lose interest if he finds out that my lack of experience goes as far as never having been kissed?" And let me reiterate that I am almost 28 years old.
IT IS A STRUGGLE. But I remind myself that it is one of those many challenges that life will throw my way that I will need to fight my way through. As I continue to grow, find myself, and figure out how I fit in this world, things will fall into place with time. I have realized that the most important thing is to focus on myself and allow that growth in confidence and strength happen. And that can only happen with me LOVING MYSELF. Things will fall into place in time. That right person will come at the right time (maybe in a time when I am not expecting it at all). But for now, I will take life one day at a time.
To all the ladies out there who are reading this, remember that you are not alone. We are in this together. Our struggles in life may look different, but we have all gone through something challenging. We need to support each other and lift each other up when we fall. Without the people in my life who have built me up, encouraged me, and have held me up when I fell, I would not be where I am today.
Well, I will end my rant here. For those reading this, I want to be able to continue to share about my personal experiences, struggles, and challenges. Feel free to reach out!
Great post Caitlin! Thank you for sharing. I agree that many women can likely relate to what you are saying about being self-confidant and finding where you fit in the world. I'm so glad you are in my MPH cohort and I look forward to getting to know you better!
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